Current mood:	(emotionally tired)
Current music:	Anything For You

The Only Permanent Thing in This World is Change
To some, this quote may mean nothing, but to me, this is one of the saddest… but true: “THE ONLY PERMANENT THING IN THIS WORLD IS CHANGE!” Let me start this from how my year 2005 wonderfully and amazingly began until it came to a point that I felt so low. Now, let us say I’m in my recovery stage (with the help of God of course, my church friends, my family, my “true” friends in the real essence of the word, and my new officemates):

January

1. “Thesis mode” most of the time, yet still can’t get student activities out of my system! Active-active-an pa rin sa orgs, simply because I love what I was doing as well as the CSB friends I was working with.



2. Rehearsal days for “Tabi-Tabi Po” (entry to the 2nd Crossroads Theater Festival) everyday from 6-9 PM (with Starbucks coffee and tsismisan sessions afterwards). It was my first time to direct, so it wasn’t easy! But thanks to the support of so many friends and loved ones (both financially and emotionally). It came to a point when the other three productions were against us, but I just don’t wanna elaborate on that further. Rehearsals for theater productions were one of the best and worst moments in my life as an artist.



February

1. I consider this as my “UNEXPECTED ACHIEVEMENTS MONTH”! All in one month, these things happened. Hold on to your seats (hehe!):
a. I reached the average of a Cumlaude (3.533)!
b. I was chosen to deliver the graduation speech at the PICC
c. “Tabi-Tabi Po” won as the Best Play for the 2nd Crossroads Theater Festival
d. I won as the Best Director for the same festival
e. I got the "Best Arts Management Thesis" Award!



2. Life with CSB friends was so remarkable! Sunday adventures with two special friends still continued even after I graduated. Lenni, Cha, and I treated our beloved boy friends to a videoke bar in Malate for our graduation celebration. A special friend even texted me something like, “My life in CSB wasn’t the same without you! I miss you! I realized your importance all the more after you were gone!”



3. First time to go to Fontana courtesy of Nes. I was with Nes, Stacy (Nes’ sister), Jill and Chester (Nes’ blockmates). Di naman ba ‘ko O.P. niyan? I tell you, hindi po! It was one of my best escapades with new friends!







March

1. “ISSUE MONTH” because of supporting Nes for his campaign as the SC President of CSB! Care ko sa kanila? Basta “I believe in my friend!” ang drama ko those days ano man ang sabihin nila against him. I helped him in making the visions of his group, the campaign materials, and even in having their room-to-room campaign! I composed a campaign jingle (to the tune of the Coke jingle) for his group.



2. Celebrated my 22nd birthday on March 10 in Antel Seaview Towers with 10 chosen CSB friends (limited lang kasi). Halos lahat ng wishes nila was for me to have a good love life, kasi halos lahat daw na sa‘kin na! I don’t think so, pero ‘yun ang sabi nila! One thing to note, medyo na-offend ako sa “kanya” nung birthday ko, dahil wala man lang effort. But then, ‘di ko naman s’ya BF so ano magagawa ko? I didn’t have the right to demand. But naging okay naman kami after.

3. I had my Encounter God Retreat (EGR) in Tagaytay, and it was there that I asked for God’s forgiveness for my act of ignoring him all those days that I was high with happiness and achievements. Adjustment stage sa church, ‘coz I felt I missed so much during those times that I wasn’t always there (kinda felt O.P. sometimes kahit ‘di halata!).





April

1. Started looking for a job that I really want and where I can really practice my course. Mind you, it wasn’t easy to look for a job. Considering na I even graduated Cumlaude and I was an active student leader. Maybe because I was choosy! Pero promise, sa dami ng graduates in the Philippines, it was really hard! And honestly, I didn’t expect it since I graduated with flying colors. If I were to ask, I wanted to work in CSB sa OSA, or as a professor para less adjustments na lang, but there wasn’t any job opening at that time.

2. Constant “lakwatsa” and overnight bondings with C.H.A.N. (Cha, Henri, Andre, Nikki)! Ang saya-saya sobra!!!



3. I was very honored to be invited as one of the speakers/facilitators for CSB’s PLANS (Planning for Leaders and Artists Networking and Synergy) 2005 in Angel’s Hills Tagaytay. “Mother” even bought SUN SIM, so we could talk while they were there, only to find out I’ll be with them in Tagaytay rin pala! Being in Tagaytay with almost all my closest friends (Mother, Nes, Andre, etc.) was one of my best times. Thanks to the OSA peeps (esp. to Ms. Ces and Sir PJ) for believing in me!

4. Nes invited me to join and give a short talk during his meeting with his co-candidates in SC. I felt flattered, kasi training and inspiring future student leaders give me a sense of fulfillment.

5. There was this guy who kinda courted me before, but I didn’t like him, so ‘di ko inintindi. I just felt regretful about it, kasi I suddenly found him okay. But the bad thing is, ‘di na ako gusto n’ya! Haaayyy….

May

1. I got accepted in FPROS, Int’l in Tomas Morato, QC as a Sales & Marketing Head and Trainor for networking. I tried it for almost two months lang, but I didn’t see myself working there for long, so I resigned. Though I was flattered that they gave me a good position though I was a new graduate, ‘di ko talaga linya ang Sales at Marketing e.

2. I got a sideline – Tito Arnie of JCCM offered me a job to proofread the books they’re selling in ACTS Christian Bookstore. Nakakahilo lang, but at least I got to work even while sitting on my bed and watching T.V.!

3. Dahil sa SUN, medyo nagkaro’n kami ng petty quarrel ng isa sa mga pinakamamahal kong kaibigan! Malungkot sobra! I didn’t mean to hurt him, but I was accused of not being a supportive friend. Ako kasi, I’m more into “what is right” than into “what makes you happy” because I believe that if what you’re doing is right in the eyes of the Lord, He will bless you with happiness (I opted not to discuss into details our problem, dahil tsismis na ‘yon. Ano kayo, hilo? Hehe!).

June

1. I declare June as Nikki’s “I DON’T DESERVE THESE TRIALS MONTH”! First, one of my best friends became one of my worst enemies (though I wasn’t mad at him, he was the one mad at me for so many reasons that I didn’t mean to do)!

2. Second, the man I love (so, so much) knew my feelings for him. Though I didn’t want him to know it, because he’s one of my best friends, I had to tell him, because he courted someone else and of course, I had to let go. I didn’t cry the moment I knew it, but there was a time that I really burst into tears upon reminiscing on the memories we had. I even had more memories with him than with my ex-boyfriends, so it was really hard for me.

3. On June 5, Sunday at about 3:00 a.m., I had an intimate moment with the Lord (I accepted Him again as my personal Christ and Savior… it’s called the “Born Again” experience), which was triggered by too much depression with my close friends that I was slowly losing at that time. “Painful” says it all… so much!

4. Andre and I declared ourselves to be each other’s Best Friends.



July

1. “He” and I were back to normal after almost a month of ignoring each other because of the “courting” issue. Still, we were good friends, and I was so satisfied with how we were. Just like the old days (Sunday), we ate dinner, watched a movie together, and cried out our problems to each other until 4:00 am in Antel. I was so overwhelmed, esp. when he told me that I was the only one who knew all of those feelings that he revealed. I think he cried (I wasn’t sure ‘coz it was dark) and I also cried, because I was so sad seeing him that way. It melted my heart… his love issues, self-confidence issues, political issues, etc… How I wish I was still in CSB to support him.

2. Facilitated Art Link Student Organization’s (ALSO) teambuilding.



3. The other “he” was still mad at me, and it was a terrible feeling!

4. CCP and the Center for Pop Music called me at the same time and asked me for an interview. I was very excited, because finally, I’ll be having a job that I really like.

5. I passed the Graduate Studies exams in La Salle, Manila (Master of Arts in Teaching the English Language), but I didn’t push through because of my work in CCP.

August

1. August 5 was my first official day as an employee in CCP. I was very happy because out of so many applicants (some of them have years of experiences already), they chose me. I underwent a five-hour exam and a series of panel interviews, so I was so proud of it. I’m currently the Culture and Arts Officer II of the Music Division of the Performing Arts Department.





2. La Salle asked me to teach English, but my work schedule in CCP didn’t allow me to! I was so regretful of it! :(

September

1. I had a fight with “him” for the 3rd time, because of the “paasa” issue. I didn’t know whose fault it is more, but all I know is that we both committed mistakes. The only difference we had was, I usually forgive more easily than he does. As of the moment, it was our worst fight ever. It came to a point when we finally talked (as to my request), and indirectly, he told me that I was replaced in his life and that he doesn’t care if he loses me, so my heart finally hardened. The love is still there of course, but I don’t think I will be the one to approach him first this time. I got tired, maybe!

2. After my dinner together with the other “he” who was mad at me, I thought everything would already be fine, until he saw me with someone who was the cause of our “big” fight. He “fired” me with painful text messages that almost made me give up on him. But then, I still value friendship, so I just asked God to help me survive all of these with patience. ‘Di ko s’ya papatulan! Ayoko na!

3. Became a member of the CCP Chorale

4. I got my first salary from CCP on September 10!!!

5. It was my first time to perform in the CCP’s Main Theater with the CCP Chorale, Christian Bautista, Jona Lumbera, and Dulce for the Civil Service Commission’s 105th Anniversary Celebration!

6. I’ll be going to Malaysia on December for a Chorale Competition! I’m excited!!!

7. May crush na ’ko sa CCP (‘di naman major one, kilig lang!). Ayoko muna magmahal uli!:)

I expect GREAT things to happen in the last three months of the year. This has been a year of mixed emotions… natuwa, na-flatter, nagalit, naluha, nainis, nagselos, nag-init ang ulo, kinilig, na-overwhelm, na-touch, na-depress, etc…. So many changes took place. It was hurting, yet something to draw a lesson from. No matter what, what’s important is that…

Someday, someone will ask me how I lived my life when I was still young. I know that I will be able to answer them this: "I have walked my journey, have fought the battle, and overcame my falls. I’ve kept my GOD, I've kept my faith… it is what’s left in ME."